What It Means to Love Your Darkness & Why Your Success Depends On It

I’m inflexible and rigid.
An emotional roller coaster.
I talk way more than I listen to the ones closest to me.
I forget things easily.
I can be so focused on what’s going on in my head that I completely miss whole parts of a conversation with my partner.
I don’t have sustainable energy.
I’m typically late for anything that requires my physical presence.

And you know what? I love all of it. I love all of me.

But it hasn’t always been like this.

There’s a monstrous epidemic in our culture where we have become obsessed with our personal shortcomings; with all of the things we don’t like about ourselves. There’s a lot of pressure, too, to be a different way—to be better.

To love your darkness is the sacred recognition that not everything about yourself NEEDS to be better. Not everything about yourself needs to change.

Like I mentioned, I’m rigid once I set my mind to something. It’s kind of like “my way or the highway.” For someone who is more passive, the way I am can create tension because he or she doesn’t feel heard. The feedback I hear most often is: You need to be more flexible.

What would happen though, if we chose to accept and love the darker parts of ourselves instead of giving into the noise that they are “bad” and in need of fixing?

First, we’d clear a lot of mental and emotional space to focus on what we truly want versus what we don’t.

And second, we’d instantly clear stuck, stagnant energy that keeps us from fully stepping into our power and manifesting our wildest soul-led life and purpose.

Magical, right?

While I’m sure it sounds awesome in theory, you might also be wondering: BUT how do I do this?! How do I accept myself? How do I love the darker parts of myself?

Here’s how to love your darkness:

💟 To start, you must gain awareness around the parts of yourself that you do not like; the parts that you are absolutely frustrated with. What are those “undesirable” traits or characteristics that drive you and others crazy? Make a list of anything that comes to mind.

💟 Next, take each trait or characteristic and think about the gifts you receive from it. How does the trait SERVE you? How does it make you unique? What has it helped you accomplish thus far?

💟 When you have an understanding of the benefits, move on to the consequences. How does this trait negatively impact you or others? In the case of my rigidity, it can cause a lot of strain in my relationships. While I win every time, what I want isn’t always what others want, which can cause frustration and anger.

💟 Now here’s where the magic shift comes in to truly love your darkness: If you loved the darker parts of yourself, instead of denying them or trying to change them, how would you address their consequences? What compromise can you make with yourself?

In the case of my rigidity, if I know a mutual decision needs to be made, I make a point to ask the other person about his or her preferences BEFORE I start deliberating on a course of action. For example, when it’s time to plan a trip, I ask my partner where he’d like to go BEFORE I start researching potential destinations. I also make it a point to check in with him DURING the process. Is he happy with the itinerary or is there something he’d like to add?

Addressing the consequences of being rigid allows the other person to be heard, while simultaneously allowing the gifts of my rigidity to shine. I’m going to toot my own horn here for a second—I have really great taste! So when I do make a decision and refuse to budge on it, it often results in a fabulous experience for both parties involved. *Ahem* The luxury tent we stayed at in Tulum.

Let’s take another example. Let’s say you’re innately disorganized and as a result, your environment and schedule are in disarray. This affects not only you, but the other people around you. You’ve tried to become organized, but it’s just not in your DNA.

What would it look like to accept that you’re not organized? And pour your love onto it instead of viewing it as something that needs to be fixed?

It might look like asking for help! Instead of trying to force yourself to change, you could ask for help from someone who is organized. Whether that means hiring a professional or asking your best friend to help you organize your office, the loving act is found in addressing the consequences rather than in trying to be something you’re not.

How much time and energy would it save you to accept your shortcomings and ask for help? How much SPACE would it clear not to worry about how disorganized you are?!

💟 In most cases, to love your darkness also requires a language check. How do you talk about the darker parts of yourself? Do you berate yourself? Do you feel guilty? Do you tell people there’s something wrong with you?

If you notice you’re being harsh with yourself, how can you be more loving with the language you use? Language has power over what we do or do not create in our lives. Simply creating a shift in your language can help you love your darkness and invite in self-acceptance.

💟 I also think it’s important to point out that in some cases, to love your darkness might mean changing.

If you tend to cheat in every romantic relationship, there might come a day where this behavior needs to change if you want to create a loving, stable partnership. The key is in making the decision to change from a place of LOVE versus FEAR or HATE, whether that fear or hate is coming from you OR from someone else.

So as you start to notice where you can love your darkness, I’d love to hear from you.

Will you choose to love your darkness? What’s one of the darker parts of yourself that you are deciding to make peace with? How does it feel to let go and love?!

If you’re feeling brave, share your answers in the comments ⬇️

With love & darkness,
-Kayla

P.S. If you’d like support with loving your darkness from a trauma-informed transformational coach, let’s chat. Waiting on the other side of this deep inner work is the dreamiest version of your soul-led life and purpose 🤍

Want more inspiration to love your darkness? Check out How I Chose to See My Biggest Flaw as My Greatest Gift.

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