Mist hangs above the jungle in delicate swathes of silver. Beyond my narrow, single bed and the mesh canopy that fans around it, darkness is beginning to fill the cracks between the trees.
The jungle and its night time noises grow louder.
And I—I grow lonelier.
I’ve spent two days with a group of people I do not know, and can not. We share space, hovering like ghosts at meal times, sitting in circle for meditation, resting soundlessly on cushions and couches that scatter the second floor lounge.
We’re here, but we’re not.
We’re not here for each other. We’re here for ourselves.
Typically, this would be a dream for me. As much as “connection” is my essence, I rather cherish solitude and choose to spend most of my time on my own.
Even with the Unsettled community at my fingertips, I was alone much of the month. It was nice though, to have a group to fall back on; to feel supported and in good company when I wanted it.
But here—here, where the facilities are bare, where you go to sleep and wake with the sun, where the food is plucked from the Earth mere hours before greeting your belly, everything is slow and silent and disconnection is the only option.
I’m beginning to go mad.
And I’m beginning to see that this is yet another mirror of what Bali has coaxed to my awareness.
Last week, I went to see a Psychosomatic Healer and after the best massage of my life, she picked a card for me. She left it face up on the table as she exited the room.
I looked to where it was waiting to be witnessed: The wolf.
Of course.
Once I was dressed, I joined her on the open air porch, overlooking endless ribbons of rice fields and a creamy orange sunset. Before I could even speak, she said: “You’re like the wolf. A lone leader AND a lover of the pack.”
“Your shoulders carry the responsibility of others’ happiness more than your own. And your heart—your back has grown tough and stiff to protect it.”
“You want to be loved and supported by a man, but you don’t let anyone in.”
I think it’s hard for me to be here because for the first time in a long time, I don’t want to be alone.
I found something in Bali.
And my heart aches for it.
My heart aches for the little life I carved for myself in Ubud—a home away from the only home I’ve ever known.
I miss Titi Batu.
Smoothie bowls at the Green Window.
My beautiful room, drenched in windows and sun light.
Adventures just because.
Air, thick with synchronicity and the dreamy scent of incense.
Amber eyes over dimly lit dinners.
Being on the back of a motorbike beneath the stars.
And arms so warm, I feel cold on this 80 degree night just thinking about them not being around me.
My heart aches because I’m seeing the choices I avoid and don’t want to anymore.
Earlier today while resisting the madness, I came across a tattered leather bound book in the library. I turned to the last page and read:
“Truth knocks on your door and you tell it to go away because you’re waiting for truth.”
The wind nearly “knocked” from my lungs.
Just like I’m waiting to find the “right” place before moving, I’m waiting to find the “perfect” person before choosing.
Nothing and no one will be or can be perfect.
No, I think many opportunities have come and gone and I keep missing them because I avoid choosing and doing the work to consciously create the relationship I want.
When you find someone you connect with, you’re compatible with on the important things, you have chemistry with, why not?
Maybe he doesn’t tick off every box.
Maybe he’s not “your type.”
Maybe he’s nothing like what you imagined, but when you come together, time stops, and when you’re a part, it feels like the longest night you’ve ever known.
While two people may not be perfect, if they are a commitment to it, they can create a relationship that feels pretty darn close to their version of perfect.
That’s what I want and I’m owning it.
No more not letting anyone in.
Clearly, that’s not what I want or else I’d be in heaven right now. No, that’s just the part of me that has learned to protect me—
Love, but not too close.
Be with, but don’t surrender.
Feel, but not too deep.
I think it’s time to choose and commit in the face of not knowing all the answers.
It’s time to risk for something real.
To break the silence and share how willing I am to meet you.
Bali is a magical place.
It gives you what you need, especially when you don’t want it.
And just the same, it gives you a chance at what you want when you least expect it 💜🙏🏼✨
While I won’t be leaving with what {who} I thought I would, I AM leaving with a commitment to myself and what I want to create.
And perhaps
that was the plan all along.
Je suis prête.
I am ready.
With love & more love,
-Kayla
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