Whether that looks like dumbing myself down in conversation or dreading the question: “What do you do?,” it all leads back to hiding.
While I knew hiding was going to come up because of the Rich Litvin Intensive, I never realized how often it seeps into my every day life. Bringing this strategy to the surface has been like shining a big ol’ spotlight so when it occurs, I actually SEE IT.
Here’s what I’ve been seeing:
-I become weird and awkward in conversation, especially if it’s with someone whom I perceive to be further behind on a shared journey.
-I feel queasy when sharing my credentials and success {although, to be fair, I have gotten better at this}.
-I dread talking about my work with new people. Not always, but most of the time, I come off confused about what I do or who I best serve.
-I don’t share my views or opinions or even, the fullness of my life behind the scenes.
-I don’t write or share more of that writing even though I want to.
-I hold back when I feel like I could serve.
The fears that come with these things:
-I don’t want to come off as arrogant or separate from someone.
-I don’t want to brag.
-I don’t want to stir the pot.
-I don’t want to be salesy or pushy.
-I can’t share until it feels perfect.
Even now, as I’m tucked in an open air cafe with a loaded Acai bowl {that I bought so I could spend my morning writing here}, I feel myself wanting to hide. I feel my body wanting to pry itself from the seat. I feel my thoughts rushing forward. Each one is a minefield with the potential to render me invisible: You don’t need to write today. Go get your nails done. Walk down the boardwalk. Find a cozy spot in the sun to read. Find someone to hang out with.
Thanks, but no thanks Survival Mechanism.
While there’s so many things I’d rather be doing right now, what’s rooting me here is my commitment to show up in a new and different way—my commitment to be LIGHT.
I know that playing around on this end of the spectrum {transparency vs. hiding} contains possibility that I can’t even imagine. This is one big experiment that could take me closer to what I want.
What I really want is to show up in my power no matter what, where, or who I’m around. I want to be LIGHT regardless. I envy the people who feel comfortable with every aspect of themselves—they stand up to the world, rather than bend to it. And while being a chameleon has its perks, it also reeks havoc when it’s not a conscious choice.
THE WORLD DOESN’T NEED ANOTHER INVISIBLE LEADER.
THE WORLD NEEDS SOMEONE WHO IS WILLING TO GO FIRST AND GET LOUD.
So, I propose this instead:
Crush modesty.
Humbly brag.
Stand for your value.
Share.
SERVE.
And show up in the face of your message {in the face of you} not being perfect.
I AM/YOU ARE/WE ARE fucking awesome. It’s about time we show it.
With light, love, and ownership,
-Kayla
Words & Wisdom
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