Over the past couple of years, I’ve gotten really good at being alone—to the point where I could go weeks without talking to anyone outside of my business or immediate life.
When I went to the Intensive in April, I realized this was bullshit.
I remembered what it felt like to have supportive people around me and I woke up to how hungry I was for more of it.
Getting really good at being alone is a really great strategy to deny a desire for connection. When you block something out, you don’t have to feel the hole of not having it. Nor do you have to deal with the built in heartbreak that comes with letting other people in.
When I look at where this comes from, it roots deep down into victimhood.
You see, I have a habit of matching people. I’m good at reading energy {although not always “right” when interpreting it}, so when I don’t feel energy returned, I tend to shrink back or get distant. It’s like being in a tennis match. I put energy in, I wait for energy to come back, and when I perceive it doesn’t, game over.
Take a guess at how this informs my relationships… {Yeah, it doesn’t allow them to exist}.
When connection goes cold, I make it mean something and withdraw. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, where I keep myself caught in an endless loop of creating the opposite of what I actually want.
Why does it have to be this way? {Surprise! It doesn’t!}
It CAN’T be this way when you’re the leader of your life.
It can’t be this way when you are responsible for creating the experiences you want to have.
Whether energy feels returned or not, it still falls back on me.
The beautiful thing is, since having these insights and putting them into practice, I haven’t felt more excited about my relationships than now. There are people present in my life all of the time and it didn’t just HAPPEN—it happened because I put in the effort. It happened because I went first.
Matching other people—waiting for them—it’s a sneaky way to create a shield {and secretly repel them}. If people don’t know you want them in your life, how can they be in it?
Sometimes, you’re going to have to go first.
Sometimes, you’re going to have to keep going first.
Sometimes, you’re going to have to show how much you care, even when you’re not sure if they do.
This is your life.
And what you want is what you want.
Will you wait on other people to create it for you?
Or will you step up and create it for yourself?
Messing with your self-imposed strategies,
-Kayla
Words & Wisdom
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