“I’m sorry, but I don’t choose you as my person.”
I remember Ryan’s face falling from across the table. It was Saturday night—the night before we moved to our separate apartments while his family came to visit.
We had been dating for a few weeks and he was curious to know where my feelings were.
From the beginning, Ryan was like a laser. He knew what he wanted—he knew I was who he wanted. I’ll never forget when he asked me out on our first date.
He said, “you are everything I want in a woman and I’ve been searching the world for you. Can I please take you on a date?”
While my heart fluttered {—could this be him?!}, I was hesitant.
I’m not used to certainty in a man’s feelings.
I’m not used to being the prize.
I’m not used to having a man see my value, simply in being me.
I could tell Ryan knew, deep in his bones, that I was the one for him, and it scared me.
It scared me so much that all of my internal alarms buzzed, banged, and clanged for weeks on end. I’d melt into his adoration, feeling absolute certainty that he was it for me, only to question and doubt that he was everything I was looking for.
One day, I was kind and loving.
The next—cold, closed, and distant.
Regardless of my inner turmoil and the roller coaster experience he was having of me, Ryan continued to remain steady and true.
He met me where I was at and gave me all the space in the world to figure out what I wanted.
When Saturday arrived, I was relieved to spend a week apart. I had been reflecting on the tug of war within and leaning heavily on the side that he was not my person.
So when he asked me to share my authentic feelings that night, I chose to be honest.
And he was crushed.
He stayed in his room with the door closed and when morning came, we barely spoke.
He left to visit his family in Akumal and I stayed alone in Tulum.
The thing is, when most people stop dating, both parties are free to go their separate ways. Ryan and I, however, had rented another apartment for three more weeks. We had also agreed early on to remain friends no matter what.
As the week passed by, Ryan held true to our agreement.
He checked in to make sure I was safe. He called to tell me a bedtime story from his round-the-world trip. He even invited me to meet his family for dinner.
As the week passed by, I noticed that all of the pressure from the tug of war had dissipated.
I noticed that I started to miss him.
I noticed a growing sadness when I thought about how different our dynamic would be.
When I really thought about it, was I sure I wanted this to end?
On Wednesday, as he was driving me home from dinner, I did something bold—I made a request. I felt incredibly selfish making this request, especially since I knew how hurt he was, but in the spirit of being fully expressed, I decided to go for it.
I asked him if he’d be willing to date, with the agreement that it would end at the end of the next three weeks.
He told me he’d think about it.
On Friday, when I saw a text flash across my screen, I refused to look at it. I was so nervous about what it said. When I finally mustered up the courage, I wasn’t disappointed.
Ryan had accepted my request.
He accepted it because he wanted to grow into the best version of himself and he couldn’t think of a better way to do that than to live, love, and breathe into a beautiful existence with the time we had left.
Suddenly, a voice cut through the quiet.
“But what if I fall in love with you?”
Staring at the screen—at Ryan’s beautiful poetry, it took me a moment to realize the voice was mine.
How did I not see it?
This man was everything I was looking for.
He was the man I had been writing about—dreaming about.
He was the man I predicted I would meet out in the world, in the midst of living our best and most adventurous lives.
He was the “35 year old man, with the body of a 23 year old and the mind and heart of a 50 year old,” that I had journaled about EVERY SINGLE DAY.
He was the man that checked every “must have,” every “feeling in the dynamic,” every “heart quality” that I had identified a year ago when I got serious about creating a relationship.
The man I had been actively manifesting was right fricken’ in front of me and I did the thing I always do with people, feedback, and things that are good for me—I rejected him.
While it doesn’t make sense, it does.
I see this all the time in my practice.
The very thing we want for, work for, wait for turns up on our doorstep and we refuse to let it in.
Sometimes, we’re more afraid of success, then we are of failure.
Sometimes, we’re more afraid of life going right, then we are of it going wrong.
Our survival mechanism will do anything to keep us in the status quo where it’s “safe” and known.
While we may consciously want a different // better // upgraded reality for ourselves, the fruition of it can signal danger to the deeper parts of our mind.
So when I caught this playing out, I realized I had a choice.
Will I choose the pattern I’ve always known?
Or will I choose the one I don’t?
What would sovereignty choose?
I had been so deep in generating this breakthrough in the realm of dating, that I completely missed it in the realm of fear.
Yes, sovereignty owns who and what she wants.
Yes, she sets a strong filter.
Yes, she discerns.
And yes, sovereignty observes how a man holds her heart.
But sovereignty also recognizes what is driving her choices. She recognizes when she’s acting from an old, destructive pattern and then, she makes the best choice for her and her heart.
Ryan had shown me, not only with his words, but with his actions, that he was the one for me.
He was ready and willing to grow with me.
And I was just… scared.
All of the work I had been doing prepared me for this moment—
Sovereignty would choose this man.
And so I did.
I chose to let him in.
I chose to let love in.
And on October 10th, Ryan invited me into conscious partnership, which we’ve been celebrating ever since 🎉
With love & more love,
-Kayla
P.S. It’s my heart’s wish that every woman finds her version of a Ryan.
If romantic partnership is something you are deeply craving to call into your life, reach out. If there’s one thing I’ve learned along my journey, it’s powerful to ask for help 💜
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